Jurassic World Rebirth: Sometimes Extinct Is Better

Jurassic World Rebirth was really boring and uninspired, and I am saying that as someone who at this point has sat through the entire Jurassic pantheon. This film follows Scarlett Johanson’s Zora, a mercenary(?) who is tasked with getting three dinosaur samples to help solve heart disease. The problem? Dinosaurs are dying off except near the equator and human beings are expressly forbidden from going there. So of course we have to put together a team, grab the sleazy drug exec who might as well be named “John Slimeball” and head to the fourth iNGen island.

Oh yes, did I mention? iNGen has another island because of course they do. On this island they are attempting to create mutant dinosaurs (a la Jurassic World‘s iRex) and this is also where they abandoned all of these mutants there after the accident (because of course there was an accident). So now these mutants (all of which are incredibly ugly to look at) are also roaming the island where the McGuffin dinosaurs are. Zora and Duncan (Mahershala Ali) are also joined by a cast of one note characters (telegraphed from the moment they arrive as dino chow) and Jonathan Bailey as Henry, a timid doctor who supposedly did his post doc with Alan Grant. (The only mention of the original film in Rebirth)

There is also the McGuffin family, a father, two daughters and the older sister’s (awful) boyfriend. They are set upon by the Mosasaur (a McGuffin-osaurus) and are left stranded. Zora and Duncan, both of whom are experiencing guilt brought on by their respective PTSD’s, decide to go rescue them. The family consistently gets separated from the main team and the story bounces back and forth between them.

The film follows a very rote formula from here, find McGuffin-osaurus, shoot them with a dart to collect the sample, get attacked by said McGuffin-osaurus, lose a member of the party to McGuffin-osaurus and then on to the next one. The writing in this film is abysmal. The characters often explain exactly how they’re feeling or their motivation. It feels stunted but just in case it’s too subtle they also pound you over the head with music. They use the main Jurassic Park theme far too often, and initially over unrelated topics (remember when the score swells over the first shot of dinosaurs? The first time we hear it here is over a conversation about boat logistics) and all the new music is trying to bully you into feeling an emotion.

Truly the only bright spot in this overstuffed, overlong movie was Delores, a small dinosaur who befriends the youngest daughter. She adds nothing narratively but is really cute. She also appears to be largely analog and feels substantial, unlike anything else in this film. My patience for this franchise is beyond over and given the price of going to the movies these days I urge you all to ask for more.

I give Jurassic World Rebirth (Universal Pictures; PG-13; 2 hrs 14 mins) a 1 out of 5.

(Eds Note: Corrected the title from Jurassic World: Rebirth to Jurassic World Rebirth.)